I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
