I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
