I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
