Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
