dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
So vagazzling was a success
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
