Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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