My underwear smells like fireworks.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
