Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
