What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
