youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize