I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
