Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
