I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
