people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
