The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
