I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
