Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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