when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
