Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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