my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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