dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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