You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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