I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
