i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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