She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
