I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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