i already hear my dad disowning me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
