How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
