I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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