i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
