I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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