saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
