Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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