Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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