how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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