So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
