By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Can you bring me the toilet please
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
