You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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