Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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