Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize