i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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