i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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