your parents love me but you hate me
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
