I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
