god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
