Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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