What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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