just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
