Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
