Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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