I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
