Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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