You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
