You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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