He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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