Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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