Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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